The last few weeks have given me a swift kick in the pants. As I pursue my dreams, God has started pulling stuff away. It's hard. It uncomfortable. It's not my choice.
I'm in a pruning season and if plants could talk, I am sure they would tell you it hurts when you snip off that bum leaf. Even tho you know it's a bum leaf and you'll be better off without it; it still aches when you lose it.
So, I have been sorta bummed out.
Thankfully at work, it's Heart of the Healthcare week, which is really just spirit week. Either way, it gives me an excuse to get my geek on and dress up all week long.
And dress up I did.
It's amazing how being a total goof ball can bring so much joy to yourself and others as well as pull yourself out of a bad mood.
When I woke up this morning, I did not want to go to work. I spent the night tossing and turning as I struggled to sleep. As I got up, I remembered that I had promised my coworkers that I would go all out and dress up as my version of the Genie. I started kicking myself for making that promise. I wanted to go back to bed and get 30 minutes more of sleep, but I knew that painting my face and hair would take some time. So I made breakfast, listened to my audio bible and prepared to become one with the Genie.
45 minutes later, my full makeup was on. I could not believe that I just painted myself blue...with hair dye...and that I planned to walk out of my front door like this.
I was going to be out, in PUBLIC, with a blue face.
I felt nuts.
I was sleep deprived.
I was grumpy.
I was slightly scared of what people might think.
I was really not in the mood to be the Genie.
But I did it anyway.
The reactions and laughter of everyone I saw totally made it worth it. My sour, sleepy mood started to crumble and I was able to have fun. The day was filled with laughter, photos and really good food as we celebrated my coworkers 5th anniversary at the hospital.
Of all the reactions and comments I got today, there was this one that stuck out to me the most and really made me rethink of how I view myself. One of our case mangers told me:
"If I believed in reincarnation, I would want to come back as someone who is as brave as you are."
Reading this comment now, makes me tear up.
I have not felt brave at all in the past few weeks.
I've felt afraid.
I've felt like running away.
None of these feelings feel very brave.
I define brave as being able to face what you fear or what troubles you without any distress or fear at all. You just bulldoze your way through your trials. Nothing affects you because you are brave.
But I'm wrong.
When I look up the meaning of brave, this is the definition that Merriam Webster gives: : having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : having or showing courage.
This is not at all like my personal definition.
It looks like it's time for me redefine bravery.
To be brave is to show up and face what you fear in spite of your fear.
You also appear to be strong to others despite what you feel.
"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
When we remember who we belong to, we can be brave. We can walk through any trial that is put in our way. It is often not easy, but we are not alone. Christ empowers us to do hard things and gives us the strength to face anything.
No matter how you feel, keep moving forward.
Despite the fear.
Just move forward.
Because you're brave.